The Catholic Church teaches that a marriage, being a lifelong covenant, can end only with the death of one or both parties. Divorce therefore, according to the Catholic Church, is not just wrong but impossible. And, consequently, remarriage following a “divorce” is adultery. This is all very logical but pastorally untenable, as it results in people being hopelessly entangled in abusive, damaging, intolerable relationships. Hard to imagine that this is what Jesus had in mind when he condemned the casual attitude to divorce that the Pharisees characterized as divorcing one’s wife “for any and every reason”. (Matt 19:3)
What is a marriage?
Certainly marriage is a covenant between two people to behave in certain ways toward one another for as long as they both live. But a covenant is, by definition, a set of terms and conditions, so breakability is the very essence of covenant. Failing to keep the terms and conditions of a covenant damages it, and may eventually destroy it. Marriage is the classic “takes two to tango” situation. If one or both partners should become uncooperative, stumble or even fall, they may well sort themselves out and continue to dance. But if cooperation cannot be restored, or if a partner storms off the dance floor and refuses to return, the dance is over. It is cruel and absurd to require that the remaining partner continue to dance alone until the other one dies.
What is a divorce, and is it wrong?
Divorce is the breaking of the covenant of marriage and, as such, it is always wrong. But we need to note an important distinction here that is usually ignored; divorce and a certificate of divorce are very different things.
Divorce is a process generally composed of the accumulation of countless occasions when a husband and/or wife fail to keep their commitment to love, honour and cherish each other. In this sense virtually all married couples are guilty, to some degree, of the sin of divorce. But if a divorce is allowed to grow indefinitely it sometimes becomes a tangle of hurt and alienation that the parties are unable or unwilling to resolve. At this point most churches and courts have, for centuries, allowed for the issuing of a certificate of divorce. But the certificate is only a declaration that a divorce has taken place. It does not approve of the divorce, but requires a husband and wife who can’t or won’t be reconciled, to stop damaging one another, sort things out as fairly as possible, and get on with their lives. In this sense it is rather like a death certificate which concedes that the process of dying is complete and irreversible, and that those who survive are free to begin moving on. Death and divorce are usually sad, often tragic, and sometimes deeply evil, but death certificates and divorce certificates, when appropriate, are good and necessary things.
How do we deal with sin of divorce?
There are few, if any, who can go through the painful process of marriage breakdown guilt free, so there is virtually always sin on both sides in any divorce. But forgiveness, cleansing, and life beyond sin are central elements of the good news (gospel). Someone who steals is a thief, but if they will acknowledge what they’ve done, make restitution as far as possible, and stop thieving, they need not be a thief forever. The same it true of lying and even murder. Acknowledgement (confession), restitution (penance) and ceasing to lie or murder (repentance) can, over time, deliver the sinner from the power of the sin. Thus one who used to steal may no longer be a thief; one who lied, no longer a liar; one who murdered, no longer be a murderer.
Is a divorced person free to remarry?
In a sense I agree with the Catholic Church that divorced people are not free to remarry. I differ, however, in that I believe a divorced person can move beyond devorce to singleness at which point they are free.
Surely what is true of other sin must also be true of divorce, keeping in mind that by divorce we mean the breaking of the marriage vow, not the securing of a certificate. If a divorcee can acknowledge whatever sinful part they had in the breakdown of the marriage, forgive and receive forgiveness, make whatever restitution is possible, and turn from those things that led to the marriage breakdown, surely they can put divorce behind them. Which is to say, they need not be defined as a divorced person forever. At this point, I would say, they are free to form a new marriage and the community is free to support them in so doing.
Admittedly, even this sounds pretty rough to some, but every community must take marriage very seriously as it is the wellspring of community. I would suggest that the only people who are ever really free to marry are those who are truly single, and becoming single, regardless how a marriage has ended, is a process that takes time. Even when a spouse dies the surviving partner needs to allow time for the process of becoming single again before they are truly free to remarry.
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