GROWING PAINS

What do you do if you are a pastor, preacher, leader of a Christian congregation, and you come to realize that you no longer believe that God exists?

The other day I listened to a podcast of an episode of the CBC radio program Tapestry entitled Preachers Who Don’t Believe in God. It featured an interview with a pastor from an unidentified conservative, Christian denomination in the southern United States, who, with an electronically disguised voice, told the story of his loss of faith. His anonymity was guarded because he has not yet “come out” to his congregation. Indeed, apart from his wife and a couple of counsellors, Adam (not his real name) has revealed his situation to no one. In his estimation, he continues to preach and pastor as effectively as ever, and doubts that any of his colleagues or congregants would have the slightest inkling of his loss of faith. As far as he is concerned, he is the same loving, caring individual he’s always been, though he admits his personal integrity is somewhat compromised by this situation. He’s confused about how he should proceed and fearful about the future. He’s heart broken about the stress this is causing his wife, and dreads the losses (relationships and career) that seem inevitable as he eventually goes public as an atheist.

It would be a hard-hearted person who could listen to Adam’s story without a degree of compassion. He is obviously under great strain; his suffering is real. And, presumably, there are many others like him; ministers who continue to preach and pastor though they secretly do not believe in God. This was actually the point to the program, which was based on a study from Tufts University of several pastors in this situation. And, from my own experience in the ministry, I would expect that this is the tip of an iceberg.

In the coming weeks I’d like to explore this whole matter of atheism, and particularly what is being called “the New Atheism”. But right now I’d like to make a few comments on the program I heard.

First, Preachers Who Don’t Believe in God leaves the impression that loss of faith is a problem peculiar to pastors in religious institutions that are too rigid to accept them in their new form. But surely this is a broader problem. Think of the politician who realizes he or she no longer believes in the foundational principles of the party, or the climatologist who begins to doubt, or to accept for that matter, the claims of the global warming lobby. And I heard an interview a while ago with a soldier who had deserted from the US military because he no longer believed in war. He was now living in Canada, separated from his family and friends, because he faced prosecution if he returned to his home in the States. This man’s situation is far worse than Adam’s. The worst a church can do is fire you; some folks can still put you in jail.

Because we live in a world of liberal pluralism, where faith is often seen as a relatively unimportant detail, we have little appreciation for how traumatic a basic faith change can be. We, thus, find it hard to understand Jesus' declaration, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword . For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law— a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.” (Matt 10:34-36) Faith is a big deal, and you can’t gain it, or lose it, or change it without paying a price.

Second, changes in basic beliefs are simply part of growing up and if, for the sake of peace in our lives, we refuse to come to terms with these changes, we will stunt our development and the development of our institutions and community. Personal integrity isn’t just about us, it’s something we owe to everyone.

Pastors should be honest with themselves and their churches for the sake of all concerned. And the same goes for politicians, scientists, teachers, journalists, soldiers and everyone. For, as we change and grow, our communities also change and grow. Consider any of the great heroes of change. Every one of them had to face the rejection of family and friends. It’s how they learned to be heroic.

I did not lose my faith in God during my time in the ministry, but my thoughts and convictions, including my understanding of God, did change dramatically over the years. And it was most discouraging to realize that the church had become a very inhospitable place for new ideas. Far too many people come to church hoping to avoid learning. They learned everything they believe in Sunday School, and want every sermon, lesson and conversation to affirm what they already know. And, if that confirmation is not forthcoming, they become angry and defensive and storm about causing damage to everyone, especially the little ones. Thus, there are very few churches that are great learning places.

When I left the ministry, wounded and broken, my sister made a comment that accurately described my plight. “I have three brothers who are pastors”, she said, “and it’s not a healthy occupation; too much self editing.”

My advice to Adam would be to get out of the closet as quickly as possible and into a place where he can think through his God-thoughts with others. He may confirm that he really is an atheist, but he might well discover that it isn’t faith in God that he has lost, but faith in a childish image of God. When he describes the God he no longer believes in, it’s a God most mature Christians haven’t believed in since they were ten. Elementary school is a wonderful thing for children, but you can’t build a bridge or an airplane, or even keep your personal financial accounts, with the arithmetic you learned in grade three.