The Long Census Form

I’ve been astounded at the uproar created by the government’s decision to make the long-form census voluntary this year. Who are these people who are so committed to being forced, under threat of fine and/or imprisonment, to tell some government agency absolutely anything they want to know about their personal lives? For example:

• Do you have difficulty walking, seeing or bending? – What might this tell them, apart from whether I’m sober enough to fill out the form?
• Are you a landed immigrant? Don’t they already know this?
• What is your race? What is the purpose of the government knowing that? What exactly are they planning to do to, or for me, that depends on what colour I am? And how do I decide my race anyway? Surely it depends on the race of my parents, and their parents, and their parents. How far back do I need to go?
• What is your Education level? Well, at one time I was a Master of Divinity. Not sure whether I’ve gone up or down since then. Sometimes I’m not even sure which way is up or down.
• Who do you work for, how many hours do you work a week, what is your income? Now this is just rubbing it in. Don’t I already have to tell the government this, and give them a sizeable chunk of what I earn, all under threat of fine and/or imprisonment?
• Do you have income from government? Now I’m getting worried. Surely the folks in Ottawa should at least be pretending to know who's getting money from the government?

I understand that statisticians love, and perhaps even need to know all these things about the population. And I also get that some of the seemingly meaningless questions may actually have a valid use. But why do they have to know these things about me personally? Why can’t they do anonymous surveys like everyone else? Why do they need a personalized list of Jews, Asians, people who never went to high school, and people earning more than $100,000 a year or less than $20,000?

And the above questions are only some of the ones they’ve actually asked. What might they decide to ask on this or some future form?

• Are you a homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, trisexual or other.
• What exactly is other and how do you do it?
• Are you married to the person or persons you live with? If persons, please explain.
• Do you wash your hands after you: pat the dog, handle money, go to the washroom, fill out government forms?
• Do you ever drink alcohol, and does you imam know?
• Do you ever buy lottery tickets, and does your pastor know?
• When was the last time you had a cheese burger, and does your rabbi know?
• What is the name and address of your pastor, imam and/or rabbi?
• Have you ever taken a nail file, over-sized bottle of shampoo, or firearms catalogue onto an airplane?
• Is there anything else you haven’t told us?
• What exactly are you trying to hide?

Back in the mid 90s I received the long-form census and returned it with several questions unanswered. I don’t recall all of them, but do remember that I was stumped by the race/ethnicity one, being unclear about how much African, Asian, Indian, Polish, Irish or Jewish blood I needed to make me less than pure Aryan.

A very nice lady from Stats-Can phoned to let me know that I’d missed a few questions, and when I said I wouldn’t answer them she reminded me that I had no choice. I, in turn, reminded her that I did have a choice. She reminded me that I’d be fined or imprisoned if I didn’t answer all the questions, and I reminded her that that was the choice.

She called me several times, each time more assertive, and then she told me she would have to visit my home and help me fill out the form. At the risk of revealing more than I really wanted to, I informed her that I was perfectly literate and capable of filling out the form, but that she was welcome to come. She came and we had a lovely visit, during which she confessed that she was embarrassed about the whole business but would still have to turn me in.

I told her that I understood her embarrassment at having to threaten and intimidate her fellow citizens, suggested that she find a better job, and invited her to do her duty if she felt she must. She left, reminding me that this would not be the end of the matter. I never heard another thing about it.

How many people have been charged, fined or imprisoned for not filling out the long-form? How many have reported their job as Jedi Knight on a starship or Master Baiter on a fishing trawler? The truth is, this has always been a voluntary form. You don’t have to fill it out, you don't have to give real answers, and they don’t have to charge you.

Just say NO!!!!!!!!!!