And people say Stephen Harper has no sense of humour.

I must confess that when I first heard the suggestion that we consider changing “True patriot love in all thy sons command” back to the archaic original “true patriot love thou dost in us command”, they got me too. You just don’t expect to find irony in the Speech from the Throne. But I’m gratified to see that so many journalists are as gullible as I am. Admittedly, it’s a bit unfair to fool with people in the Throne Speech, since this parliamentary tradition has been the vehicle for so many stupid ideas in the past. But still, “...thou dost in us command”? I’m sure the slow motion replay will show that our beloved Governor General was trying not to laugh.

But, now that the door is open, how about seeing if we can get ahead of the wave on this thing? We’ve changed the wording half a dozen times in my lifetime, but the beast is still a veritable minefield of political incorrectness. Let’s fix this anthem once and for all.

O Canada! – That part’s all right; I think we can leave it. But it’s just about the only part that works.

Our home and native land! – What about all the new Canadians among us who cannot yet declare, with integrity, that this is their home? Must they be excluded? This will become their homeland in time, but making them feel invisible will not facilitate the process. And how many can honestly call Canada their “native land”? The aboriginal communities, of course, but that’s about it. So, how about “the country where we are”? It has an inclusive ring to it, and I think it fits the tune.

True patriot love in all thy sons command. – This is the current line in question, but “sons” is not the only sexist word here. “Patriot” comes from the Latin word “Father”, as opposed to “matriot”, I suppose, which would be from “mother”. And what’s with this “command” business? Pretty condescending, even patronizing (from Latin “father”). And we need a new word to rhyme with the revised previous line anyway.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise, / The True North strong and free! – Must we always be so insensitive? What of the visually impaired among us? Are we trying to offend? What do we gain by constantly reminding the differently abled of their differabledness?

From far and wide, / O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. – Here again, what of those who cannot stand? Are they, somehow, inferior Canadians? Would it be so hard for us to simply sing “we are on guard for thee”?

God keep our land glorious and free! – This line is only a few years old, but what on earth were we thinking? Atheists, agnostics, deists, polytheists; are these not full Canadians too? And what about the Christians, Jews, Moslems, etc., who are offended that the Deity is called upon in such a casual and thoughtless way. Must we start every ball game and high school assembly by placing “God” on the lips of countless people for whom it’s otherwise merely an expletive?

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. / O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. – Do we really have to end by repeating this offensive line twice? Clearly the original was written to offend, but we can be better than this.

So, here is my suggestion. How about simply abolishing the words? We could just stand silently when O Canada is played, or sit if we prefer. And those among us who are particularly patriotic, or matriotic, could hum along if they so desired. This would make our anthem much easier to learn, non-authoritarian, inoffensive, and exactly the same in French and English.